Week 6: Dating

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Fifty years ago, dating was a completely different game. People would go on dates, ACTUAL DATES, rather than just hangout like we do today. It used to be that two people would spend time getting to know each other. They would go on dates and talk over the phone. Today, we hangout, text, and try to spend all of our waking time together. Nowadays when people date, they skip over the actual "dating" part of dating and move right on to courtship. People today are far more likely to make out on their first date. That's right, I said their FIRST date together. Here these people hardly know each other and they are jumping right to being physical with each other. That was unheard of fifty years ago.

As a college student, dating is a big deal, especially at a campus like BYU-Idaho's. Dating is hard as a young adult with the way dating norms have changed. You go on a date with someone and it's almost expected that you two are going to keep dating. Dates rarely happen and it's just hanging out with each other. The relationship tends to get physical after a short amount of time and it's fairly common that people aren't looking for relationships, but just to have fun.

When my parents were in college and dating, they would spend their time together on the weekends and call each other throughout the week. Because they could only see each other on the weekends, this made their time more meaningful. They spent more time getting to know each other and being involved in fun activities rather than kissing the majority of their time together. Their dating was intentional.

In my Family Relations class, we learned a few important things that help with our relationships and dating. One of these things was about how well we get to know the people we date. I've noticed that we tend to get to know only the surface details about this person. John Van Epp shared three T's for getting to know those we date.

Together: Your shared experiences. These help you get to know them in different situations.
Talk: Mutual self disclosure. In this way you share things that.
Time: Van Epp shares that you need at least 3 months to get to know someone.

The one that I really want to focus on is the last one, time.

When we start dating someone, we are typically on our best behavior. It's like having a real Christmas tree. You put the flat side/ugly side of the tree towards the while to hide it. Well, it's the same with dating. You put your best traits forward and you're on your best behavior. Around three months of getting to know each other, that's when you start to see the real them. The flaws come out and you see the backside of the Christmas tree.

Another helpful too we learned from John Van Epp is the RAM (relationship attachment model). In this model, you gauge how well you know, trust, rely, commit, and touch this person in your relationship. If there is a great inequality between the five pillars or one area is higher than the others, it cal help you understand if there are any red flags in the relationship. The more you know someone, the greater trust you will have in them. The more you trust someone, the more you are willing to rely on them. The more you know, trust, and rely someone, the more committed you will be to them. And touch is a plus that affects all of these categories, but it's important that it isn't higher than the others. There is so much more to a relationship than the physical aspect.

RAM: Relationship Attachment Model

  • Know
  • Trust
  • Rely
  • Commit
  • Touch

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