Week 3: Theories to Help You Understand Your Relationship Better

Do you know that one person who goes to their Mom for everything? Okay, I'm definitely guilty of this ✋ I tell her almost everything. She's my go to person. Although I love to tell her everything, I've learned that when it comes to my marriage, there are some things I just need to keep to myself.

There are many reasons why turning to your parents for advice is a GOOD thing, but when it comes to your relationships, there is a fine line between explaining about your relationship and complaining about your relationship. 

To explain, I'll share a few theories to help you understand relationships better. 

The first is the Family Systems Theory. Each family is made up of a system.

In this system, the circle represents the boundary of the relationships, the husband and wife and the children which create their family. 

Keeping the boundary between husband and wife is critical to a healthy relationship.

For example, say that the wife turns to her Mom for everything. When her husband does things that aggravate her, she turns to her Mom to have someone to "vent" to. In doing so, the wife becomes so worked up about how annoyed she is that when he gets home from work, she is cold towards him and more easily annoyed by the little things he does.

What we don't realize when we vent to others about our spouse, it creates problems in our relationship. Let me say that one more time, CREATES problems. Sharing information attaches us to each other. If you share negative information about your spouse to someone else, it may bring you closer to the person you confided in, but it will drive a wedge in-between you and your spouse.

Moral of the story, don't turn to your Mom and tell them every little negative thing about your husband or wife. Not only does it affect your relationship, but it affects your Mom's relationship with your spouse. This is YOUR marriage and yours only. 

My advice on this topic, don't go complain to others about your spouse. If there's something you're spouse does that bothers you, let them know! Be a good communicator and don't leave them in the dark wondering what on earth they did to upset you. Don't let a little problem become a big problem. Find ways to serve them. Replace your negative thoughts with something you love about them. Spend some one-on-one time with them so that you can connect. There are so many other things you could do, but find what works for you.

The second theory is the Symbolic Interaction Theory. This theory states that we are influenced and shaped by our interactions. A simple way to explain this is that we tend to read into things. We check for signals in our relationships to see if we're understanding things correctly. 

For example, there's a boy you've been crushing on. You go on a date to the movies and he holds your hand. He must like you! 

Something important to understand about this theory is that women read into things more often than men. Men and women are different and even think different. Shocker! Guys think more logically while women think more emotionally. Because we think differently, it can be frustrating when your spouse doesn't understand your thoughts and feelings. Men are not mind readers, so give them the benefit of the doubt.

The third theory is the Exchange Theory. To describe this theory, we do things for others thinking that we will get something in return. We try to find the balance between a giving and receiving in relationships. 

For example, when it comes to dating and trying to find a spouse, you could see how much your date is on their phone. Do they spend more time with their phone than you when you're together? That's something important to think about.

One way to apply the exchange theory in your marriage or relationship is the idea of making five deposits for every one withdrawal. For every five things you do to serve your significant other, you can expect and even ask for one withdrawal of service from them. This is a good rule of thumb to help keep a good balance of give and receive in your relationship.

And that's it for this week! I hope these theories helped you to understand your relationship better like it did for me.