Week 13: Divorce & Blending Families

"Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way." Gordon B. Hinckley

This week in my Family Relations class we discussed divorce and the challenges that come from trying to blend two families together after divorce or death. 

Divorce is an occurrence that happens all too often in my mind. Today people treat their marriages as expendable and give up when things get hard or a better option comes along. I am a strong believer that you fight for your marriage, especially when times are tough. That's when you need to fight for your marriage the most. 

One thing we discussed in my class were some facts about divorce that you don't hear too often. Here are a few of those things:

-          63% of couples had stronger marriages after an affair

-          Myth- both couples are happy to end the marriage.

-          70% of Americans say that after 2 years of divorce they could have and should have saved their marriage

-          -Men are much more likely to remarry and within 2 years. 70% of divorced men remarry after 2 years

-          70% of couples who said their marriage was “very unsatisfactory” later called their marriages “satisfactory” or “very satisfactory” simply by holding on for five years.

-          Mothers who usually gain custody of young children often move away to their support groups (like their families and friends)

-          Fathers are often forced to move away to get a better paying job because the law often requires them to support two households and their income is inadequate.

-          - By the age twelve, children often seem disinterested in their fathers as they hangout with friends and participate in organized activities on weekends.

-          Dads often disappear from their children’s lives, and usually not by design.

-          Even people who have fantastic marriages go through a pretty awful time. Some say the first or second years are the most painful and hard.

-          In many cases, if the husband has the children after a divorce, he will not likely hold the wife accountable to pay child support.

-          Most commonly, primary custody goes with one parent (mom most of the time) and they visit other parent on alternating weekends.

-          MYTH if your marriage is struggling, the best thing to do is separate.

o   Common results of separation:

§  Increased hopelessness, resentment and blaming

§  Less committed to the relationship

§  Decreased commitment to something that is no longer available anyway

§  Increased supports for the individuals; decreased support for the couple

§  Growing accustomed to being apart and not having to cooperate

§  You get used to not having each other. It solidifies individuality.

-         It seems to be easier for men to remarry than women,

-          -Men typically have more options of people to marry and can marry younger those younger than them while this is typically frowned upon for women.

-          Women probably expect more out of a relationship.

-   Custody over children

o   Joint Custody: share things in common

o   Legal custody: being able to enroll a child to be part of school, going to the doctor, signing them up for activities, etc.

o   Physical Custody: where do the kids spend their time

§  Most common arrangement: Mother has physical custody and both parents share legal custody

These are some interesting facts that I never knew about divorce, separation, and how it affects the children. I knew that these things were difficult, but it's crazy how damaging it can be when the family disintegrates. It's incredibly sad to me how families are torn apart and how it affects the children involved. The fact is, divorce is difficult for everyone it affects.

I am so grateful to belong to a religion where our main beliefs focus on family and how to have strong, happy, and healthy families.